Running head: THEORETICAL MOVIE REVIEW
A Theoretical Movie Review of The Story of Us:
A Marriage Derailed From a Cognitive Behavioral Perspective
Ann Marie Godines
Texas A & M University Corpus Christi
A Theoretical Movie Review of The Story of Us: A Marriage Derailed From a
Cognitive Behavioral Perspective
Marital bliss is that feeling we get, when everything is going according to plan, but when it crashes with our reality, days are suddenly unbearable, and that blissful feeling you shared is unexpectedly, far from our reach. Rob Reiner's (1999) The Story of Us is a story of love, a story of forgiveness, and a story of a family, caught up in the whirlwind of the day to day hustle where families try to coexist. The movie presents how two people can easily find themselves caught up in a days worth of circumstances, trying to cope with matters at hand, yet lashing out at the ones you love most. Life happens to the best of us, it happens to most of us actually. For Ben (Bruce Willis) and Katie (Michelle Pfeiffer) Jordan, their disconnected ideas of marriage clashed after 15 years, as they found they were no longer on the same page. Couples would stay in this blissful place, if only both spouses spoke the same tone, stayed on the same page, and never got off track. Unfortunately, life is just not that perfect, and families go through hardships and they do struggle. This movie shows you the "highs" and the "lows" (Nelson & Zweibel, 1999) literally of two people with two kids all of a sudden questioning the strength of their marriage.
The movie begins with Ben and Katie Jordan who discover they are at complete odds with their marriage after 15 years. Katie thinks Ben should be more accountable, and Ben thinks Katie should be less controlling. Their characters are that of two individuals trying to find their balance in a much hustled life. You have the father who is a writer, who often forgets to do simple household tasks, and the mom who is a crossword puzzle designer and writer, who takes the role of structuring the family, including Ben. Then there are their two kids, Erin and Josh. Erin (Colleen Rennison) is the daughter who senses the tension between her parents and is literally joining her parent's hands together, a sign that she needs to reassure her, that her parents still love each other. Then there is Josh (Jake Sandvig) who is similar to his dad, but does not let up to feeling the tension between his parents. As the storyline unfolds, you also have the friends who have a crude sense of humor about their own marriages. The discussions arise about how much is considered fair play, and how a simple little amendment to the marital rules could lessen the marital stressors, as well as topics of adultery and just where exactly is that fine line? The movie showed what it is like for a married couple if and when, idealistic views are not met.
Katie refers to her marriage as that of Crockett Johnson's Harold in Harold and the purple crayon (1983). Harold draws his life, his adventures and when an obstacle arises, he simply draws himself out of that situation. How nice it would be, if only life was like that. For Katie she truly thought that she could paint her ideal marriage and that Ben would draw his world exactly as hers. She chose that book, because for her it was "everything she wasn't" (Nelson & Zweibel, 1999). Katie Jordan saw her marriage as that of having a purple crayon in her hand and drawing a marriage as seen from her eyes. Problem was that she did not allow for any blunders, and if they existed or surfaced, then it became an issue for both of them. Ben on the other hand, was the spontaneous, carefree, not good at planning, constantly joking, as he was the type of husband who mostly turned everything into a funny. Problem there, was that in Katie's eyes, he was childlike, in many areas not responsible enough to put wiper fluid in the car, forgetful of the 'honey-do's' which always seemed to annoy Katie. It was coming home from a romantic vacation only to find months worth of newspapers on the lawn because he simply forgot to take care of that request. The disciplining of the kids also became an issue. Feelings began to erupt into jealousy, resentment, anger, frustration, and stress when things just did not move in the structured way that Katie had anticipated. Control was another issue that affected their marriage. Ben assumed that Katie would take care of things. This story of real life, of real pain, of real love was very well represented of the many lives that do go through these real life situations. The arguments that finally led to their departing to mutual corners, while awaiting some sort of reconciliation, was that of Katie feeling she was doing more than the other, and Ben thinking things had just been blown out of proportion. The movie illustrated how thoughts can be individually perceived and expected to fulfill that perception, only to find that two people do not always think alike. Even in love, we tend to be head strong about our schema and fight about who is right and who is wrong. It is the attitude we have that deciphers our words, that later turn into resentment and hurt.
The movie briefly touched on Katie's mother who was controlling, and structured with high standards. Ben sees Katie trying to be like her mom thus arguments ensue. The message presented is not unlikely of what a married couple goes through. There is lighthearted humor, romance, emotional outbursts, and the movie definitely emulates married life. Ironically when Ben has taken the role of himself and not Katie's Ben, he immediately gains his own sense of identity, strength and suddenly feeling accountable looking at himself through her eyes. Katie sees that Ben can manage without her, which sparks an awakening that she is no longer in control and it emotionally devastates her. The arguments suddenly become grief and fear that she may longer have her best friend, and her husband of 15 years. Theirs is a story of affection, of real life disappointments, of being married and suddenly there are kids and then the realization that their kids are suddenly dependent on them. It is a story of encouragement to families who fall in love, who get frustrated with each other, get annoyed when stress settles in, and become dismayed when things don't go according to plan.
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy uses several approaches that pay close attention to the "attitudes, thoughts, and expectations," (Peterson and Nisemholz, 1999) because it is our own mental emotional processes that often decide our words. Cognitive Therapy looks at the thoughts behind the outbursts, the behaviors erupted based on emotion. It also looks at the hopes carried by individuals when their view is unrealistic. This can lead to unmet expectations, thus leaving a person unhappy, and with a feeling of being let down. Cognitive Behavioral Theory addresses the issue of marital conflict and communication as shown in the movie directed by Rob Reiner (1999). Neither Ben nor Katie stopped for a moment to see the marriage through each others eyes, until it was almost too late. When things did not get done as demanded, then it was the insults that soon came. When personal thoughts decided the arguments, then the behaviors of slamming doors, of sleeping apart, of hurting each other emotionally, soon followed. Cognitive Therapy takes the stressors and individually deals with those to find a reframed thinking of the instant thoughts that immediately come to mind. Donald Meichenbaum's Theory of Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy (as quoted in D' Andrea et al., 2006), speaks to the issues that were evident in the movie. It is the way we think and feel that lead us to our consequences says Meichenbaum. For Katie, she saw herself drawing her own personal schema, and that just would not allow for error. Ben saw her as becoming her mother, rather than just seeing Katie as the woman he fell in love with. When they eventually changed the way they thought as individuals, they were then able to interpret their reality so that they were on the same page.
If only two people could share this amazing love for each other, that would sustain any and all possible setbacks that surface throughout the years as a couple, then married life would certainly become more bearable. That is what many couples strive for when they are reflecting on their marriage. I absolutely enjoyed and was deeply moved by this movie. It depicts real life, real love stories that are relentlessly evident in our society. In the movie, Ben commented how he thought marriage was forever, truly suggestive of the vows 'till death do us part'. There was a strong emotional connection on my behalf during and after watching this movie. It spoke to me so much that I was in complete tears with the closing moments. It is a story that can speak easily to many marriages, mine included. Married 19 years to date, however I recall those issues of chaos, of working full time, of being a mother, structuring the day by day lives of three children, of balancing a budget, of making sure the repairs got done, and griping when things did not match up with my personal plan. It is easy to assume the world revolves around us. The turning point for our marriage was learning to change the way we thought about tasks, and the talents we each brought to the marriage. The movie touched on how Katie's strengths did not necessarily mean Ben's faults or lacking there of. Katie and Ben did not spend much time managing their stress levels, but rather blaming each other for the stress they were enduring. Learning to manage stress (D' Andrea et al., 2006) rather than avoiding it is also a strategy of Cognitive Therapy. Changing one's cognitions helps to change behaviors such as the immediate behavior response that is emitted from the emotional thoughts felt momentarily about issues at hand. CBT Theory targets the mindset behind the consequences.
This movie speaks to families all over, the hardships that families go through as the love for one another, becomes something easily forgotten. The feeling of being in love, of allowing ourselves to think it is not always about us, and that we can see ourselves through their eyes. When we are open to a reframed thinking, then we are open to the marriage. That is what this movie is about. It is so easy to get derailed when we simply allow ourselves to leave things as is, in hopes that the yelling will eventually stop. It is about cognition, about the emotions behind the spoken words, about coping with stress so that the marriage is more communicable. Marital bliss can exist and couples can indeed coexist, for it is our perceptions that can lead us closer -or farther apart.
References
D' Andrea, M., Ivey, A.E., Ivey, M.B., Simek-Morgan, L. (2006). Theories of counseling and psychotherapy: A multicultural perspective. (6th ed.). Boston, MA: Pearson Education Inc.
Johnson, C. (1983). Harold and the purple crayon. New York: Harper Collins Publishers.
Nisenholz, B., Peterson, J.V. (1999). Orientation to counseling. (4th ed.). Needham Heights, MA: Allyn & Bacon.
Zweibel, A. (Producer), Nelson, J. (Producer), & Reiner, R. (Director). (1999). The Story of Us [Motion picture]. United States: Culver Studios.
